So, I have written a blog before.... When exactly? August 2008. So it has been a while since my lovely little hard typing fingers have graced the blogosphere, or whatever you blogites call it. (Totally not a noob.... totally not...)And what brought me back to my tiny little forgotten corner of a blogspot? Aerospace Engineering.
For those who aren't aware I am currently enrolled at Mississippi State University majoring in Aerospace Engineering with a concentration in Astronautics (Rockets ftw!). The road I traveled to get where I am today has been... well an interesting one. I will never forget the day I took a complete turn in my life. I was sitting in my World History class my sophomore year of high school not paying attention to the dreadful Mr. Trunzler who talked about some historical event that took place in the late 18th century or something like that...( World War II happened then right? .... Kidding!) Sitting in that class unaware of the world around me I had this just "ah ha!" moment. I believe Colin from John Green's "An Abundance of Katherines" put it best, I had an "Eureka moment". Since i was little i have always wanted to be a Veterinarian. I was certain. I wanted to work with exotic animals in a zoo or something to that effect. But I don't know what it was about that particular moment. Sitting in the third desk on the second to last row on what i remember to be an early spring morning that seemed as though the clouds opened up and a light bulb that had seen better days simply switched on. I had it. AH HA! My Eureka moment. I had a thought that seemed to just spark millions of open possibilities. "I want to build rockets..." That very phrase, so simple, but had so much possibility. I had this just feeling of rightness. Like how could i believe anything else could suffice. There is no better way to describe the feeling other than it felt right.
The road I turned on that day has been challenging. I have had so many people tell me that I was going to fail. I have tripped, stumbled, cried, crawled through those words that people threw at me. Failure. Something that no one wants to achieve. My pride has gotten me through a lot, keeping me on track being stubborn and not turning back or taking the easy way out. Even though now it is bruised and somewhat beaten... but not completely. I don't mean that just people have been the hardest part of the journey, the course work has been immensely challenging as well. I had a moment when I was in my freshmen fall semester at Ole Miss where I had almost lost it. It was one of the darkest times of my life. I doubted myself. I seriously doubted myself. The things I was working at were not coming out. I had the thought process of: When you were young in preschool or elementary school or even middle school, your family and teachers and advisers always told you, "As long as you put your mind to it and work hard you can achieve anything." I came to a point where i was pissed off that I had been told this. i was working so hard, doing all i could in my power to achieve the goals i wanted and i was failing.... Failure.... What people kept telling me i was going to do. Something that i had shrugged off for years was finally eating away at me. This idea of trying your best you will achieve what you set your mind too was just a lie. I had been lied to all my life. I kept thinking they should start telling kids the truth sooner... That even though you do try your best, even though you work so hard... even though you do everything you possibly can... you can still fail. I was falling into this dark black hole that I couldn't find my way out of. I didn't know where I was, what I wanted to do with my life, or who i even was anymore. I sat for days on weeks just in a tail spin. I was stuck in the perpetual blackness of failure and depression. Where did that clarity go? i would wonder. I finally just took a step back from my life and looked at where I was and what I was going to do. The option to just drop engineering all together crossed my mind many times, but then i realized that I was at Ole Miss for Mechanical engineering. Mechanical is not what i wanted to study. (Not to mention their Engineering program sucks .... a lot) So I, in one swoop, called the aerospace advisor at Mississippi State University and set up an appointment to talk about transferring. I can not tell you how fast everything happened after that. When I left my ASE advisor that day, I finally felt like i could actually see something. I was getting back that clarity feeling again. Things seemed to be getting right.
I made a successful transfer to Mississippi State for their Fall 2009 Semester. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I have enjoyed my classes and i have picked amazing professors. The classes have been so very hard. And despite being happy and finding myself again. I was still doubtful on my major. I had lost so much confidence in myself over the past year.
This brings me to the reason I decided to write this today.
I was walking to my physics class to take a test. I was freaking out about it and had just had a caramel frappechino from Starbucks so i was jittery too. I was noticing how the road that is usually road blocked had been unblocked and there were MSU buses parked on the side of the streets. I found this odd and I could hear a jet plane flying low somewhere. (the air force was testing something apparently) Then it hit me. Just like back in that third desk second from the last row in high school, I had another eureka moment. This one wasn't as strong as that first one but it was nice. I had a split moment where I knew I was happy with my major. Through all the frakking hard work.... through all of the bad grades... through all of the people who keep saying i will fail.. through the struggling that has made me cry and worked me until i just wanted to give up. I can honestly say, I, Mary Kate, am finally happy.
I am so far from the end, I'm not even in the tunnel let alone can see the light at the end of it yet, but at this moment on a beautiful fall September day I.... I am happy. I have made amazing friends here and am in an amazing major. A major that though i might not be number one at, or top of my class in. I am dedicated and I work hard enough to know that Aerospace Engineering with a concentration on astronautics is where I am meant to be. Yes, I will most likely have a few more moments in my life where I will stop believing in myself but for right now... I am happy.
This might have been a terribly long drawn out thing to post, but I just wanted to write something about today. So maybe one day, when I prove what almost every single person has said or thought wrong and I succeed, I will find this interesting to look back on. Maybe.... Maybe. One Day.
Happiness is a fleeting thing..... or so i am told.... or so i have learned. Better to enjoy it now than worry about when it will be gone or when it will come around again.
<3
