(Disclaimer: I kind of wrote this in one go. it is all over the place but im not going to go back and edit it. This is my stream of consciousness of recent... well and has been for a good 2 and a half years... just more refined. It is all over place i do appologize for anyone who reads this.)
This girl, not dating material.
Every girl in their life wants to be wanted, cherished, and most of all loved. And These things... i have gotten. I have had boys who have "loved" me. I have. But I don't want that. Why? because I suppose it scares me mostly. I am the type of person who sets goals. I have to achieve these goals before i can do anything else. Boys are a distraction in my goals at this point in my life.
Mary Kate. MK. or whatever you call me by, has never been "in love". Personally, I feel that at the point i am in my life right now is stupid for me to even consider this, in my mind, most chased after myth. With all the responsibilities that go on in my life why do i need to distract myself with this game of running after a unicorn that seems to always be just out of reach.
I have often wondered why i have never been "in love". Is it something I'm just not ready for? Am i incapable of it? I seem to attract it. I mean when you date a guy for a week and they announce that they "love" you obviously there is a problem... there is either signs you were showing or they want to get in your pants.
I have also come under the horrible light of "leading guys on". I am an honest person. Especially in dating. I think that only builds stronger relationships, but see this is the problem, if the guys aren't 1. listening to what you are in fact being honest about or 2. think they are an exception or 3. misconstrue your honesty to what they actually want. And when they do in fact finally understand what in fact you are trying to say.. you leave them in a 1. a heap on the ground or 2. running around with his head chopped off or 3. very hurt and upset.
Heartbreaker. This word I am completely used to hearing. Hell when your own mother has made up her own dance about around his song and constantly sings it at you... what else are you supposed to think. I have always been the person to end things in a relationship. It is just what my model does. I have never had my own heart broken. But I suppose this could also be the fact that I have never been in love, so of course my heart has never been in that delicate position.
This post Is not meant to sound complaining or bashing of the male species (even though in my experiences the male species are far more emotional than i ever thought was possible) I just wanted to exclaim to this world wide interweb that This chick.. is not dating material.
So sue me for having goals. I have so much to make with my life i dont seem the point of being serious with anyone when i know for a fact i will most likely be all over the place in 3 years. Which is what i *want*. I want to move around. I want to live out of a suitcase. Jumping from one aircraft manufacturing plant to another. THat is what i *want* to do. Especially while im young. What is the point of being serious at this time in my life. I can tell you there is no point. None at all.
500 Days Of Summer. (BTW ladies, if any of you are reading this and are like yeah i agree with that... you do NOT want this movie to be a first date movie... believe me... i have made this mistake... goes poorly. Just a friendly warning) I can't tell you how much I connected to this movie. I seriously think it is a beautiful film and of course the beautiful Zooey is in it. I can honestly say i connected with Zooey's character, Summer, so much. In the bar scene when she tells the boys her views on relationships. I have seriously had that exact conversation with boys before. We *are* young. We *are* meant to have fun right now. There is so much time to be oh so seriously "in love".
I know this sounds really bitter. And maybe i am bitter that i have never experienced this feeling that seems to come so quickly to others. maybe im worried i never will.
But right now i dont care. I have so much time to worry about if i will ever "Fall in love". but im not going to worry about it. I am happy who i am. I am happy that i am so firmly strong about my views and priorities. I am *happy* that i am not emotionally tied to someone like that. Life. It's worth living. It's not worth trying to rush and do everything as quickly as possible.
Love. it can wait...
Life... never can.
<3smk
